Illinois
Written by Mr Marbles   
Sunday, 12 November 2017

Illinois

Saturday, November 18, 2017
3:30 pm EST
Ohio Stadium, Columbus, OH

COTGS* Index: 70

 *Chances of Things Getting Stupid Index is determined using a highly complicated scientific formula that produces indexed results ranging from 0-100, computed using an array of complex variables and a multitude of over-sized computers located in the basement of Kropkogate.

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Illini still bitterly remember The White Man's unthinkable carnage

It's the last home tailgate of the year and Ohio State's most prestigious trophy game; no excuses for not getting to the tailgate early. There will be turkeys frying and the occasional naked man running around screaming incoherently about something he lost--good clean fun for your entire family.

Ohio State enters the game playing for a trip to the Big Ten Championship game and--in case you missed the 128 times it was mentioned during the FOX broadcast last week--a remote chance to back door their way into a playoff spot. Last week, I declared our playoff hopes were dead. For all intents and purposes (or "intensive purposes," for those who prefer commonly used nonsensical phrases), this is still the case.  For now, it doesn't really matter; you should be rooting for chaos at this point regardless of the end-result. Sit back, enjoy the rest of the season, and leave the playoff lobbying to influential members of the press like myself.

The Illini enter the game playing for the chance to wrap up their miserable season as soon as possible, ushering in the timeless Illinois end-of-season tradition where fans log-on to internet message boards and demand the firing of another coach without any idea of a replacement. I will once again lobby that my tax dollars be wasted to bring back Ron Zook with a ten year contract, which contains a buyout clause that will undoubtedly be exercised after two years to fire him again, leaving the school on the hook for another multi-million dollar payout. 

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I've already taken the initiative to prepare marketing pieces, now I'll just sit back and wait for the cease and desist order

It's an annual rite of passage to label Ohio State's second to last regular season contest as a trap game, with pregame broadcasting crews reading recycled cue cards from 1982 asking whether or not ***insert name of current Ohio State head coach*** can keep his team from looking ahead with Michigan looming on the schedule next week. Go ahead and take a drink each time you hear someone utter the phrase "looking ahead" or "trap game" this week and check yourself into a rehabilitation clinic on Sunday. Illinois couldn't trap a Rutger in a grain bin, folks, and they are riding an eight game losing streak despite having a schedule softer than a bag of marshmallows. Unless the ghost of Juice Williams suits up for the Illini, this one should be wrapped up by halftime. Fans will exit Ohio Stadium to a merry chorus of "We don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan," walk down Woody Hayes Boulevard toward their cars, and pass by an encampment of drunken rebel rousers shouting and singing obscene lyrics about some guy named Chad.   

  

For real-time updates, follow me on The Twitter - @Mr_Marbles

Mr. Marbles wraps up the tailgate season with a trip to Evanston. It's a disheartening feeling to think, after Saturday, it will be another 9 months before I will cone beers in public and urinate into a forested canal bank. The Minnesota Golden Gophers and PJ Fleck's cocaine-induced* personality invade Ryan Field for a very important match-up that will likely have no meaningful consequences other than me tweeting #SalvageTheBoat at Minnesota Football's twitter account again if the Gophers lose. The Wildcats have won five conference games in a row and have clinched second place in the Big Ten West, an accomplishment no one reading this website could possibly care about. It's an 11 am game, which affords the opportunity to make it out of the stadium in time to catch the Ohio State kickoff in the tailgate lot.

*I'm not saying PJ Fleck has a cocaine habit, however, Fleck has yet to publicly deny that he is snorting cocaine out of the inside of Goldy's mascot head 13 times a day.

 

ESPN Pick'em Update

Don't forget to make your Kropkogate ESPN Pick'em selections. Rankings after 11 weeks:

  1. Kropko
  2. boomperosu
  3. CardaleJonesDiary

Asian Reporter Robert Lee won the week 11 contest. 

  

 B1G Expert Pick'em

Each week, Kropkogate's team of expert prognosticators gamble their life savings away while attempting to predict the outcomes of all Big Ten contests. This week's game of intrigue is Rutger vs. Indiana. This game could be better settled by sending each program's highest ranking assistant to the traveling secretary to meet at the halfway point Friday night, where they'd bowl 10 frames at the Alpine Club Lanes in Washington, Pennsylvania to determine the winner.  No one would notice or care that an actual game never took place. I'm excited just thinking about tuning into this on ESPN 2 and hearing Beth Mowins' exuberating voice call an endless series of gutter balls.

 

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Kropko

   Mr. Marbles

Pizza Hall

 Mr. Winkles 

 T-Bone

Illinois at Ohio State
 Ohio State  Ohio State
 Ohio State
 Ohio State  Ohio State 
Minnesota at Northwestern
 Northwestern  Northwestern
 Northwestern  Northwestern Northwestern  
Rutger at Indiana
 Indiana  Indiana  Indiana  Indiana  Indiana 
Michigan at Wisconsin  Wisconsin  Wisconsin  Wisconsin  Wisconsin  Wisconsin 
Purdue at Iowa
 Iowa  Iowa  Iowa  Iowa  Iowa 
Maryland at Michigan State
 Michigan State  Michigan State
 Michigan State
 Michigan State  Michigan State 
Nebraska at Penn State
 Penn State  Penn State
 Penn State
 Penn State  Penn State 
           
           
           
           
           
 




           
This Week
          6-1          6-1         6-1         6-1           6-1
Season Record          78-20          74-24        71-27        77-21          75-23