Tailgating Guide
Written by Mr. Marbles   
Saturday, 28 June 2008

Rock & Roll Hoochie Koo!

Welcome to Keys to a Successful Gameday:  version IV.  Each year I've worked to improve the site and share the additional wisdom I've gained during the previous year.

All of the pictures are real and were taken during our pre/post game rituals (except for the 2002 post-Michigan riot picture with the cars burning--I stole from The Lantern).  The stories are real.  The characters are real.  The stupidity, the immaturity, the unusual dedication to being stupid and immature, and the Kropko plunge are all very very real.  The Purdue chick's red pleather outfit (see photo at the bottom of the page) is real.

Pregame

The key to a successful gameday is giving yourself plenty of time to participate in pregame activities.

The standard rule is to start drinking at least 5 hours before kickoff.  For special events such as the Michigan game and night games, one must allow more time for alcohol marination.  It is recommended that the first person to wake up blasts the "Buckeye Battle Cry" on the stereo, jumps on everyone in the house who is sleeping, and pours beer down their throats to ensure they get out of bed and begin their big day of drinking.  Call and harass those who don't show up on time.  The following outlines some recommended starting times:

 Game Time Start Time 
 Noon 6:00am 
 3:30pm 6:45am
 Night 7:45am 

The Penn State fan below decided to sleep in and scratch himself before the game.  As a result, PSU missed a last second field goal attempt and lost (and probably blamed the referees)...

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Scratching himself

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It's best to start before sunrise

Food and Beverage

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Frighten the locals at the grocery store

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Never waste alcohol.

Multiple kegs are mandatory when legally possible.  Be sure to stop by a grocery store on the road trips and make a loud scene as everyone stares in amazement over the amount of alcohol you are buying at 5:30 am.  IF someone approaches you in a sketchy Southside Chicago grocery store asking why you are wearing a necklace made out of acorns, simply reply to them that you have a squirrel fetish.  A nutritious combination of bratwurst, chips, and beer will properly prepare you to enter the stadium for battle.  Remember, backwards states (see Indiana) do not sale alcohol at every gas station and convenience-mart.  This explains why they never have winning football teams.

Be sure to have a grill for your pre and post-game meal.  If you have kegs, eggs must accompany them.  Diet-conscious girls need not worry, chances are you'll end up puking it all out of your system.   Make it a special day and buy a lobster.  Place it on a leash, parade around parking lot, then boil alive.  Harass anyone who brings salad or anything that maybe considered "healthy."  For big events, deep fry a turkey and slaughter/BBQ a Nittony Lion.  Have the ladies bring homemade Buckeye candies and various other foods one must take time to prepare.  Here is a recipe for one of my favorite meals:

Cold Beer

1 case of Old Style*
1 cooler
2 bags of ice
*substitute other cheap beer if necessary
Open cooler, place beer inside.  Cover with ice, close cooler.  Let beer cool for 30 minutes.  Serve and repeat.

Music

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Your selection of music will say a lot about your tailgate.  Always have a buckeye band CD (or free download of course). Mandatory songs on your playlist include: Hang on Sloopy, Rocky Top (Conway Twitty version), one song from both Deadeye Dick and Cowboy Mouth, Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo, and a healthy dose of Dead Schembechlers. Neighboring tailgaters will appreciate your dedication to playing the song "Chad Henne is a Joke" several hundred times during the course of a season.

You may wonder why Rocky Top is recommended, given the fact that Tennessee uses a version as their fight song...but when you see Mike Combs chug 3 beers before the end of the song you will come to understand why it is included on the playlist.

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If you have good music and a chicken costume, you are guaranteed to get lucky.

Hineygate and The Danger Brothers

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Hineygate has developed over the years as THE greatest pre and post game spectacle in American sports.  Although Hineygate technically refers to the Danger Brother's party in front of the Holiday Inn, the entire strip of parking lots, bars and business with bands performing along Lane Avenue west of High Street has become lumped in as part of the party.  In addition to the Holiday Inn, you can find bands playing and beer flowing at River Watch, CD101 party, Varsity Club, and behind Tommy's Pizza to name a few.

Yes, dreams do come true at Hineygate.  Women can't resist flashing their pom-poms for everyone to see.  From a heart stopping rendition of G-L-O-R-I-A to a 50-something year old member of the band chugging beer through his trombone, its good clean fun for the whole family to enjoy.  Did I mention they have a giant wooden dog named sparky with "special talents"??

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If you are away from Columbus for your gameday, it will be necessary for you to bring the Hineygate Travel edition with you.  Buy a Danger Brothers CD then find the nearest Holiday Inn.  At this point you have 2 options.  Either set up your party in front of the Holiday Inn, or steal one of their signs and bring it to a location of your choice.  Play the music, drink beer, and say inappropriate things to any women you see.

Gameday Drinking Games

It is everyone's responsibility to drink as much as possible before every game.  Scientific studies have proven that the team whose fans drink the most before the game will win 97% of the time.  This is not some suburban cocktail party where you sit around sipping on wine; you must fully marinate yourself in alcohol before entering the stadium.  In order to make sure everyone fulfills their duty, it might be necessary to initiate games that allow people to consume mass quantities of beer without even realizing it.  If you are lucky enough to have "Ralph" the beer bong visit your tailgate, fill him up and have a race.  Get cards out and force those who sit inside and watch Gameday all morning to play drinking games.  If all else fails, turn to the person next to you and gamble a beer on who can chug their beer quicker.  The loser will have to chug another beer against another opponent.

The Brent Musberger drinking game is grossly out-dated, but still fun to play.

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Cornhole

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The consequences of missing on 4 tosses

Cornhole consists of bags filled with corn that are tossed at wooden boards with a "corn hole" cut into them.  Although it's been popular game in the Cincinnati area for years, its popularity has just now began to spread quickly through the Midwest.  People in Chicago refer to it as "bags" or "baggo" because they haven't yet become comfortable saying the word "cornhole" yet.  Paint your boards to reflect your team of choice, grab a beer in one hand and a bag in the other and start tossing (toss the bags, not the beer).  Gambling is encouraged: wager cash, drinks, or your wife.

When one doesn't make contact with the board during their 4 throws, one must drop one's pants and play the net round with them around their ankles.  Introduce a "Sally Line" in which you are penalized when you throw a bag short of the line (lose a point and be referred to as "Sally" for the remainder of the day).  A shut-out will result in the losing team circling house/parking lot/etc in the nude.

Keg Stands

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This will test your upside down beer drinking endurance and is recommended for anyone showing up late to your tailgate.  Doing it while dressed as Hugh Heffner is not required, but is strongly encouraged.

Flip Cup

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Assure your challenger has filled his cup

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Flip Cup at Wildcat Alley

A great game to challenge fans from the other team that gets the most people involved.  Those who refer to it as "flippy cup" must be punished and play the first game with full cups of beer.  You will need cups, beer, and a table (or some sort of piece of wood).  Best when played at Northwestern's Wildcat Alley because they give you free Goose Island 312 beer and people stare at you with a bewildered/disgusted look when you take over a table and start chugging it down..

Beer Pong

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Traditional Style

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Ultimate Style, for the more experienced players

Beer Pong is a challenging game that is fun for everyone.  Throw your balls in your opponent's beer and watch them chug.  Like cornhole, a shut-out will result in a mandatory nude run for the losing team.  For serious players, start your morning with an Ultimate Game of Beer Pong, which requires a keg of beer spread over 390 red cups on a regulation-sized ping pong table, a Russian statistician, and two teams of four players, instead of the traditional team of two.  When all 4 members of a team miss, the other team is required to mock them and chant: "0 for 4!"

Conabeer Race

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Neighboring tailgaters usually keep their kids away at a distance when the orange cones come out

Grab a couple of orange cones and use them as funnels as you challenge another to Conabeer (pronounced "cone-a-beer" against you.  Have a friend pour a full can of beer into the cone and the first one to finish wins.  This game was invented in 2006 when we couldn't come up with a beer bong, and it was commented that the orange cone that fits on a flashlight in my emergency car kit could be used as a replacement..

Citation Contest

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See who can get the first "Drunk and Disorderly Conduct" citation of the morning.  Try to break the all-time record of 8:00 am (Michigan @ OSU 2004, Norwich Ave).  Historically random people walking down the street will donate more than enough money to cover the fine.

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Even old people like drinking games

Traditions

From Script Ohio to singing Carmen Ohio, there are countless traditions at the football game.  But it doesn't stop there--here are some of our favorite gameday traditions that take place before we enter The 'Shoe.

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Mike Combs Rocky Top Chug

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Can be played with multiple small portions.....or one giant skunky bottle of LaBatte Blue

It's almost like watching the band dot the "i."  Designate one person in your group and call him "Mike Combs."  When the song Rocky Top is played, he or she must chug beers until the end of the song.

Kropko Plunge

Another person must volunteer to jump from several stories to the ground to inspire your team to victory.  We call it the Kropko Plunge.  Cheer him on as he climbs high above like a deranged mascot and watch him jump to the earth below.

Shout Obscenities

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Its not gameday if you're not shouting inappropriate comments at others passing by.  When you start your party at or before sunrise, there are always plenty of unsuspecting victims walking by.  Create memorable moments for your family with the infamous "walk of shame" chant or the Jerry Springer-like "Take off your shirt."  Remind Michiganders about their weight issues, their missing teeth, etc.  See an old fan decked out in opposing colors?  Shout "You're Old!"  Short guy, "You're Short!."  Scare the other team's cheerleaders with a "Work these hos" chant and scare off food vendors who block your view by starting chants, most notable, "Cotton Candy (clap) (clap) (clap) (clap) (clap)."  Harass those who leave early by pointing and yelling, "Beat the traffic!"  If no one threatens violence, you probably didn't say enough.

Vince Koza

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Always seek out the Lima radio station tent before the game and get your picture with Vince Koza.  Don't worry if he is broadcasting live on the air, just run up and jump on him and share your love.  Vince Koza is the biggest celebrity in Lima, Ohio.  Even bigger than Al Snow.  Known for his catch phrase "On Fiya!" (translated: on fire!), Vince is an inspiration to everyone in northwest Ohio.  To visit my Koza Timeline click here

Jump in a Lake

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Late November in Mirror Lake

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Mud wrestling is sure to ensue

Of course you must jump in Mirror Lake the Thursday before Michigan, but for a successful gameday, you shouldn't settle for the once a year dip into the icy waters of that stagnant goose-feces filled pond.  If there is a body of water near your pregame festivities, jump into the water and showoff those "special powers" that you've developed while drinking that make you unaware of just how cold that water is.

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Oh my.  A picture says a 1,000 words (or pounds)

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Late October in Lake Michigan

Bush Dive

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This ritual dates back to the 14th century Native Americans.  Before going into battle, tribe supporters would throw themselves into bushes for good karma.  Extra-special karma is brought forth by doing it naked.  Rally the troops with the traditional "Oooooh"  yell then plunge into those cushion-like bushes.

Financing

When you start drinking in Minneapolis at 5:30 am on a gameday you will only find one other group in the parking lot.  We salute those Gopher fans and admire the way they strategically seized a Port-o-John and charged people to use it.

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Seize a port-o-john or charge people to park on property that doesn't belong to you when funds are low

Can't afford the gameday party every week?  Start using your resources...and your neighbor's resources...and the city's too.  Charge people to park in your yard, your neighbor's parking lot, and even in the street.  However, never charge people for cups or to enter your party.  That's the sort of thing a Hoosier would do (what the f*ck is a Hoosier?).

Take Over Their House

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Creating a scene before games outside of Michigan Stadium (left) and Camp Randall (right)

When hitting the road for a game, be prepared to have all sorts of items thrown at you and obscenities directed towards you.  Typical things you will hear include: "f*ck the Buckeyes," "buck the f*ckeyes," "Go f*ck yourself," "you guys got lucky," and the "Asshole" chant (typical of Wisconsinites).  Occasionally, jealous fans of lesser teams will want to fight you.  Penn State fans will attempt to straight up murder your ass (and blame it on the referees).   Remember, you're a Buckeye, you can drink more before the game than they can, and that gives you special powers.

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Marching across the golf course in Ann Arbor

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Giving a salute to Osborn Engineering's infamous Pile of Shit

Things that will be tossed at your head when you go to road games:

  • Carrots
  • Full beer cans (thank you)
  • Empty beer bottles (thanks for nothing)
  • Giant orange cones
  • Celery
  • Sausage
  • An assortment of various nuts
  • A sign showing "OSU = (picture of giant penis)" (thanks for noticing)
  • Fans in places like Ann Arbor and Happy Valley are savages who are extremely angered by their team's recent lack of success.
  • Bringing a helmet to these places could prevent you from having to watch the rest of the season from a hospital bed.

Other Traditions and Tips

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Go to the game

After a few dozen beers and a half bottle of liquor, you might forget exactly what it was you were going to do that day.  If you don't actually make it to the game, your efforts will go unappreciated.  Remember, people are counting on you to stumble and fall while walking up the steps in C-Deck, sending your $4 hotdog sailing into the crowd.  Don't forget to bring a flask!

Call Greendyke

At your earliest convenience, call Greendyke and shout into his answering machine.  Call him lazy, tell him to start drinking, then make strange noises.  Best demonstrated by Mr. Russ Winkle.

Too Early for Flapjacks?

When hitting the road for a game, you are required to ask "Is it too early for flap-jacks?" at every restaurant or fast food chain at which you stop to eat.

Frequently Asked Questions

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Q: If Illinois' mascot is an Indian chief and ours is a poisonous nut, why do we play for a trophy of  a turtle?

A: Why do they ask for your phone number when you buy batteries at radio shack?  I don't know.

Q: How early must I arrive at the ag-campus to beat the parking attendants and park for free?

A: 4:45 am was early enough.

Q: What should I bring to your tailgate?

A: If there's no keg, bring beer.  If there's a keg, bring liquor.  And bring some sort of food item.  Otherwise, you'll be subject to a punch in the stomach.

Q: How does a sexy guy like you, Mr. Marbles, get so shit-faced on gamedays, yet maintain such a hot delicious body that all of us girls want to jump on?

A: Active Drinking is the key.  Participating in enduring sports like Cornhole and jumping into bushes will allow you to keep your figure

Riots

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When one doesn't follow the advice on this site, he or she may find himself left with too much energy after the game.  As a result, you'll find yourself on 13th Avenue tipping cars, piling them up, then lighting them on fire late in the night after a game.  Within a few months, you'll be in a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison getting raped by Freshman Sensation Maurice The Beast Clarett.    Click below to see the horrors of post-game riots (following this years Michigan game):

Great Moments in Gameday History

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January 2001, Orlando, FL:  Elevator mirrors in hotel are accidentally shattered when our Indonesian translator is shoved around after the Outback Bowl.  We later see old man duct-taping the pieces back together as we return to elevator; we curse the sons of bitches responsible for such an act.

October 2002, Evanston, IL:  Our Indonesian translator bongs beers before the game and passes out in the Ryan Field bleachers

October 2003, Madison, WI:  Badger fan hold up sign showing "OSU = (picture of large penis)."  Mr. Marbles thanks Badger fan for compliment, only to be challenged to a fight.

October 2003, State College, PA:  Tailgating crew shuts down the streets of Happy Valley.

November 2003, Columbus, OH:  Last tailgate at 220 E Norwich.  A crazy morning of stupidity is followed by Hall-Star proposing at the game to Laura Ho.  Mr. Marbles, too drunk to realize what is about to happen, chooses to take a piss rather than stick around to see it.

October 2004, West Lafayette, IN:  "Holly Fally" (above photo).  Holly falls early, later loses group and wanders around Ross Ade Stadium unable to find entrance

November 2004. Columbus, OH:  Still early in the morning, a member of our tailgate attempts to tackle oncoming car and is given a "drunk and disorderly conduct" citation by the police car traveling directly behind that car.

September 2005, Columbus, OH:  A member of our tailgate party goes to jail after a fight after the game on High Street

September 2006, Columbus, OH:  An usually sober Mr. Marbles pisses off old man sitting behind him at the game, wife tells him "I just want to let you know you ruined our entire afternoon."  He again pisses off some guy at Hineygate who was hit by the full cup of beer thrown into the air by Mr. Marbles.

September 2006, Columbus, OH:  Mr. Marbles and Hall-Star set tailgate "first drink" record by arriving and chugging their first beers at 4:45 am EST.  Hall-Star lets lose after 3 week "vow of heckling silence" and unleashes his fury on Penn State fans.

November 2006, Evanston, IL:  Hall-Star, during a day in which he lost his penis twice and drank beer off of the pavement, is described by woman sitting next to him as a "sulfur well," referring to his foul odor.

November 2006, Columbus, OH: "The Tailgate of the Century."  The before mentioned "first drink" record is broken as tailgating ensues at 3:30 pm Friday, almost 24 hours before the Buckeyes took the field to beat Michigan.

Did I forget a favorite moment?  Let me know!

Additional Rules for Tailgating

Always have an Indonesian translator with your tailgating group.  You never know when his or her skills will be required.

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When the weather cools, be sure to have an industrial sized heat lamp on hand.  Mock others who have less-than-industrial-sized heat lamps.

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