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Ohio State @ Michigan
- Pile o' Shit Stadium
- Kickoff: Noon EST
- Tailgate: 6 am. Contact Kropko for details.
- COTGS Index*: 88
*Chances of Things Getting Stupid Index is calculated by a complex scientific formula on a scale of 0-100. Margin of error is +/- 3.34
The Bucks were locked in battle in the fall of '74,
the Wolverines would be the champs if they got one more score;
but who would win the game that day to play the Bowl of Rose?
Schembechler bet his season on Michael Lantry's toe.
His toe! His toe! He bet on Lantry's toe!
Well Lantry was pure evil, for he had sold his soul,
He sold it to the devil, to kick some field goals
He strode into the Horseshoe, as seconds ticked away
He planned to beat the Buckeyes, during the final play.
Last play! Last Play! Upon the final play!
The snap it came to Lantry, he kicked it way up high
The ball flew past an angel, who swiped as it went by
By grace of God he hit it, for he was quick and deft,
the ball had started spinnin', then it sailed wide left.
Wide Left! Wide Left! The ball had went Wide Left!
The Devil he was angry, the angel had him beat.
The Wolverines defeated, Schembechler stamped his feet.
Mike Lantry, he tried suicide, because he felt bereft
but when he tried to shoot himself the bullet sailed Wide Left!
Wide Left! Wide Left! The bullet went wide left!
Wide Left! Wide Left! The bullet went WIDE LEFT!!!!
..and WTF was Joe Paterno doing in the broadcast booth during that game???
The Game means nothing, yet it means everything. Win or lose, the Buckeyes are going to the Rose Bowl. However, if you believe the Buckeyes have nothing to play for, you've been isolated in an underground bunker for the better part of the past century. Reason #128 why college football trumps the NFL: even when you've clinched your post-season fate, the games still have meaning and the starters don't rest. Reason #129? Pat Fitzgerald's large penis.
There's a lot at stake for Michigan. Big Ten Title? National Championship aspirations? Pride? LOL, not so much. Avoiding a second consecutive losing season? Avoiding extending their losing streak against the Buckeyes to 6 straight years? A chance to play in the Motor City Bowl? Perhaps DickRod's last chance to save his job? Ahhh yes, THAT is the hilarity that Michigan is playing for on Saturday.
Senior Day at the Pile O' Shit
Thanks for the memories, seniors!
It's the 2009 finale for Michigan and emotions will be flowing as the Wolverine fans send off their seniors and recall their accomplishments during their tenure in Ann Arbor. I, being the stand-up guy that I am, would also like to salute these deserving seniors with a special "Walk Down Memory Lane" sendoff, as we take a look at each senior's career highlights since joining the maize and blue thus far:
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Stevie Brown: 0-3 vs. OSU
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Brandon Minor: 0-3 vs. OSU
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Greg Matthews: 0-3 vs. OSU
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Carlos Brown: 0-3 vs. OSU
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Kevin Grady: 0-4 vs. OSU: This sailor red-shirted in 2007 just to have the chance to lose 5 times!
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Ricky Reyes: 0-2 vs. OSU
- Zac Baker: appears to have never lost against OSU! No one knows where he's been for the last 4 years.
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Zoltan Mesko: 0-4 vs. OSU. Native Ohioian shooting for the stars!
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Ohene Opong-Owusu: 0-4 vs. OSU...another over-achiever looking for number 5!
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Brandom Graham: 0-3 vs. OSU
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David Moosman: 0-4 vs. OSU. Good luck buddy!
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Tim McAvoy: 0-4 vs. OSU. I hope he's making a scrap-book to remember these games!
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Mark Ortman: 0-4 vs. OSU. Number 5 is yours! You can do it!
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LaTerryal Savo: 0-4 vs. OSU. Hail to the victors?
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Jason Olesnavage: 0-3 vs. OSU
- Tim North: 0-4 vs. OSU. You might not have your pride, but you'll always be....Rosie O'Donnell???
   
Tim North is Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell is Tim North. Tim North is a woman. Oh my god...Tim North is a woman! Noooo!
I know all there is to know about the crying game....
Holy Buccaneer Bay Batman, I didn't expect to uncover this whole Tim North/Rosie O'Donnell identity swap thing. I just can't get over the resemblance.
Mr. Marbles Game Plan
Originally planned on going to Ann Arbor, decided I'd rather make out with Floyd the barber than drive to Ann Arbor. $25 all you can drink from 9-5 at Durkins for the game. A deal like that is dangerous.
Honoring Bo
Despite the heated rivalry, I can't help but feel saddened when Michigan week rolls around as I remember the untimely passing of former Michigan head coach Bo Schembechler. Sure, he NEVER WON A NATIONAL TITLE....but he's still the biggest legend Michigan football has to offer. Three years ago, Bo passed away on the morning before an undefeated Michigan took the field against an undefeated Ohio State. I think I speak for all Buckeye fans when I say we lost this man way too soon. That son-of-a bitch deserved to be around to witness the train wreck that is Michigan football today, slowing dying inside with each Taint Forcier interception. Nothing would be better than seeing Bo on the sidelines, weeping gently as Michigan's defense gives up another 40 points to mediocre Big Ten offenses, with his black soul rotting away as the losses pile up week after week. If Bo were alive today, he'd certainly say, "Get me out of this f*****g box."
Mr. Marbles Bold Big Ten Predictions
- Purdue @ Indiana: Indiana is due. Purdue releases ownership of the Old Oaken Bucket. Indiana 27, Purdue 24
- Minnesota @ Iowa: Remember when Iowa was undefeated? Good times. Iowa 15, Minnesota 10
- Penn State @ Michigan State: Another Big Ten "rivalry game" with no historic or geographic logic. Michigan State 20, Penn State 9
- Wisconsin @ Northwestern: Wisconsin concludes another season of high-quality mediocrity. Wisconsin 30, Northwestern 17
- Ohio State @ Michigan: I'm sincerely looking forward to the television cameras capturing Michigan fans in anguish once again. Ohio State 27, Michigan 13
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